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10 things I hate about you (on air)

My personal pet-hates that new presenters tend to get in to habit of doing. It leaves me shouting at my radio in agony!

Jees – you're bored.

Hello!!!! To most folks listening to you on the radio, you've got one of the best roles on the planet. You get to sit and swap CDs over for a living, talking a little bit and then get to go out and be a minor celebrity. They don't care that you're not getting paid for this shift, or you smashed the car on the way in; or you've had to agree to do Saturday breakfast the morning after you were planning to hook up with a girl you met at your last PA. So stop sounding so bored. Please, if you do one thing for me, just sound like you are actually enjoying yourself. Or go and sweep the streets for a living and see how you like that.

Throw ahead, don't throw it away.

This is my shout-at-the-radio moment – the ten-to link which goes something like "well, I'm packing my record case and planning to get out of the studio as soon as possible…" Your job is not to remind your listeners that the next show is rubbish, it is to sell it; just as much as you'd like the guy before you to do the same for you. Never mention you're leaving; simply talk up the next jock (although you don't necessarily need a cheesy handover) and tell people what they've got to look forward to on their show.

It's 49 minutes past three...

This is another pet hate; DJ speak. We all do it, we just need to learn not to. Sometimes it's because we're contractually obliged to use the station positioning statement; but most of the time it's because we grew up listening to far too much ILR and think that is how the rest of the world speaks. Unless you're doing breakfast or a news show, time check to the nearest ten minutes (or quarters) and be sensible about how you say it: "nearly" and "just after" ten, quarter, twenty and half past, twenty, quarter, and ten to.

These phrases should be avoided: "the sound of", "top of the hour", "another great".

Tell me something I care about...

Most demo tapes consist of the following: here is a list of the next three presenters after me, here is the complete factual weather forecast, here is today's list of celebrity birthdays. Now listen to any half-decent commercial radio station and you'll find they don't do any of them. Answer the questions your listeners wants; they don't care much between 21 and 24 degrees Celsius – they just need to know whether to take a coat. Personalise every link you do, and make me care about it; "weather is meant to be getting better later today – I hope so as I'm s'pposed to be off playing football at Victoria Park tonight."

Please, be my mate...

One of my training sessions involves playing several demo tapes and getting the audience to choose which person they'd most want to go to the pub with. This is why the late John Peel could still cut it on Radio 1 – you can easily imagine that a night down the local with him would be anything but boring; even if you're not yet old enough to legally drink. If all you are going to do is announce the chart position of every song that comes on the jukebox or read Ceefax then I'll probably leave after the first pint.

Another crap record...

If you're working at a station that is play-listed, or even if you're not, never ever slag off the songs you're playing. Your audience will think "why the hell are you playing it then?" You might have heard the new Keane single hundreds of times; but your audience probably hasn't. And even if you think Will Young is the worst thing inflicted on the pop charts in the last decade, he is still going to be the favourite artist of some of your audience. You don't need to sell each record; just don't be negative about them.

You join us in the middle of...

Rule number one of radio is that you can't control when your audience tune in and out of the station. So always think that the next link you do is the first one someone will ever hear on your station. Let me, as a new listener, instantly join in with what is going on, don't get scared of recalling what has happened. Oh, and because I don't have RDS, tell me the station name. Every link.

Listen to what your audience is listening to...

One of the most annoying things you'll notice as a radio listener is when the presenter obviously isn't paying attention to the output. The most obvious is when there is a technical glitch such as a CD skipping which goes unnoticed; but turning down the monitors during the news or travel can come across as equalling as annoying. And, just as you should be throwing ahead to the next presenter; always make sure you're listening to as much of the show before.

Guide me through the journey...

Because radio is an audio-only medium; you, as the presenter, have to be the eyes of your listeners. So take me there; describe what you can see and what is going on. Make sure you intro and exit everyone – don't play a song straight out of talking with someone in the studio and by the time the song finishes they have vanished without even saying goodbye on-air.

Get on with it!

Last, but by no possible means least, shut up. If you've got something exciting you want to tell the audience then certainly do it, but if you've reached a natural conclusion then pull the mic fader down and just let the music play. There is nothing more irritating that a jock who insists on filling air-time with vacuous waffle simply because they like the sound of their own voice; or can't back-time properly.